I've developed a time device and set the control panel to "random". Whenver the mood falls upon me, I will make a random jump and give you a little description of when/where I end up.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Like most blogs, this one ends here.
All the duplicates have been destroyed. The cat has been given away. I have eaten the purple potatoes.
I have left our altered present as it is. I think we are much better off without flying cars -- and yes, this is a direct consequence of Grant's failure to win a third term.
I have seen the future. What is it like you ask? Soft and squishy? Yes. Pretty? No.
Perhaps I'll build a new time machine later this year -- another grand experiment which will inspire people to satisfy my pathetic need for attention. I'll also try to bring back proof next time that I indeed have the knowledge to travel into the past and future.
When traveling back and forth along the pathways of time, you learn things about yourself.
For example, I'm learning that I become easily prone to dizziness and nausea whenever I go in the past. I think it has something to do with the spin of the cat inside the box. One of my duplicates hiding in a closet in Nixon's congressional office (1950?) told me that he believed it has something to do with the weight of the potatoes but I killed him before he was able to explain. Surely I am right since I am the original me.
You see, I am spending most of my time destroying my duplicates. They have no right to exist.
Anyway, I ventured into 1876 and as I was preparing to shake the hand of Ulysses S. Grant while he was taking part in a centennial parade, I suddenly lost my lunch and projected the disgusting contents into his face. Apparently there was a law at the time that vomiting on the President of the United States is punishable by death and/or public humiliation. He was rather upset that he had to cut off most of his beard to rid himself of the leftovers of my sushi lunch. However, he stated that he believed the death sentence was too harsh a penalty.
After several hours of dancing naked with a very large pig in front of cheering crowds, I escaped to my time device and traveled home.
I am now going to bed, sick with worry that I have somehow affected the outcome of history. If Grant did NOT serve 3 terms, then I fear I may have changed our present time forever. I'll try to find out when I wake up.
4127, January 14th, 9PM. I have discovered one of my duplicates. We fought long and hard but finally I defeated him by breaking a bottle of wine on his head. I quickly returned to the twentieth century only to find that while I had been fighting one duplicate in the future, another sold my car in the present.
July 17th, 2183 is a rather scary day I stumbled upon.
I arrived in the early afternoon and set about trying to find somewhere to have a nice cold beer. To my horror, I discovered that not only was alcohol banned, but to even MENTION it risks penalty of death. These tetotaling descendents of returning Martian colonists have taken hold over the massive world government. Corruption swims through its veins but not a drop of alcohol is to be found. Terrible!
I believe that this timeline may be connected with my visit to the George W. Bush University. I encountered one of the namesake's descendents and learned that he was considering volunteering to be a colonist on Mars. I recommended he do it, but only if he does it for the right reasons. He winked at me and walked away. I fear that by encouraging him to go, I may have altered the future from there on.
However, it was now too late to do anything about that since I came up with this theory while being offered a cigar and blindfold. Fortunately at this very moment, the cat that I use to guide the time device, succumbed to some unknown ailment. This appears to have caused me to immediately transport back to 2003 along with the time device. I guess I'm not fully in the future, but remain anchored to the present no matter where/when I go. I guess that if I need to suddenly return and the time device is not functioning properly, I can kill the cat for an instant recall.
Currently I am seeking a new cat that is not afraid of being left in a sealed cardboard box for long periods of time.
I have just returned from 2097. I spent a marvelous afternoon visiting George W. Bush University down in Washington DC. It was a rather strange place where students are taught to consider anything they make up to be as true as the ground they stand on. It must be a wonderfully philosophical place to be educated!
I seem to have created multiple duplicates of myself. Do not believe anything you read here as it may no longer be me who is writing but an identical copy who has had slightly different experiences from me, including a possible bruise on his left knee caused by yours truly.
I know I could change the password but I'm afraid I'll forget it.
How did this this duplication happen? I tried jumping to the past many times over the past few weeks and it seems to have caused some sort of "time quake". This caused multiple versions of myself to be reflected into different time periods with their own identical time traveling device.
I have encountered a few of my otherselves and we are fighting for control over the fate of the universe.
Well, not all the time. For example, right now I am taking a break for lunch.
Is it murder if I "erase" a duplicate of myself who technically was never born?
What if I'm a duplicate?
Share your thoughts with me.
I have finally completed work on my time machine. By setting the controls to "random," I will be able to travel to an arbitrary location in space/time!
I will be posting summaries of my adventures here. Soon I will also provide schematics of my time travel "device" so that you too may see what the future holds.
Remember my 10 rules of time travel:
1) Try to not disturb anything in the past you believe may have consequences in the future -- unless it will really help your dating prospects.
2) Do not tell anyone when their "time" is up. This can be very upsetting, especially if it happens to be later today.
3) Do not bring Abraham Lincoln into the present as this is very cliche. That and Mr. Lincoln would be very upset with the present behavior of the Republican party.
4) JFK must remain dead after 1963 as it is quite obvious that he would start WWIII during the fall of 1965. I have read much about this on the internet and that means it is true.
5) Do not try to kill Hitler as a baby since his kid brother would probably just try to fulfill that crazy "greater Germany" dream.
6) Do not even attempt to date your own mother/grandmother since that is just gross.
7) Do not let yourself get too excited if you are able to bring back technology from the future since it will probably be difficult to plug in or find any batteries for it.
8) If you punch yourself in the future, remember that it will hurt one day.
9) Do not allow yourself to be disappointed by how small Ghandi was. And just because it would be easy, don't kick him in the knee. That just wouldn't be very nice.
10) Feel free to travel to the summer of 1997 and tell me to not take that television news job and to February of 1991 and tell me to not break up with that one girl. Unfortunately, I won't listen.
Following these basic rules will keep everyone who ever was and ever should be, happy.